Antonia, 56
The perfect storm of work stress, menopause and raising kids meant our sex life slowly slipped out of view
Rob and I have been together for 33 years but, weirdly, the past 18 months have been the peak of our sex life for me. It took me threatening to file for divorce to bring us back from the brink.
If someone told me that the gangly 6ft 6in spotty young man I met on the first day of university was going to be my husband and the father of my children, I wouldn’t have believed it, but that’s what happened. I was drawn towards the dangerous types in leather jackets, but Rob is more like a ginormous teddy bear. By the time we hooked up in second year, we were such good friends that our relationship felt like putting on a pair of comfy slippers. It was so easy, we were two puzzle pieces that slotted together. Our sex life was pretty regular for years – normal, loving, safe.
It’s hard to pinpoint when something breaks. But the perfect storm of work stress, menopause and raising kids meant our sex life slowly slipped out of view. I’d be racked with guilt, but couldn’t find it in myself to initiate.
Ironically, it was when I started taking testosterone as part of hormone replacement therapy that I started feeling like a woman again. We have a super king-size bed, and for years we slept on opposite sides, not even touching. But three months after starting the testosterone, I said to Rob: “I want you in bed now.”
Now, I initiate more than Rob. We’ve completely switched roles. He often jokes that I want to do it every day – which is not true – but what I love is that we now get to enjoy little moments of intimacy every day. When we have sex, he knows a slower rhythm will bring me to completion. He will wait until I’ve orgasmed and then I will finish him off.
The closeness of our intimate life and personal relationship are linked. I try to give less weight to the things that annoy me and celebrate the positive parts of our marriage, and the revival of our sex life has brought our relationship back to its roots. Rob tells me I’m wrong about this, but I think now we have sex more, we bicker less.
Rob 55
When we had children, sex became a bit of a chore
There have been moments when I thought our marriage wasn’t going to make it. It wasn’t only down to the sexless periods, but also the absence of feeling loved and part of a team.
I like to joke that I noticed Antonia when she was walking away because she has a really beautiful bum. I’ve always called her my “peachy fruit salad”, as she has such peachy breasts. But when we had children, sex became a bit of a chore. Life was busy, and by the time we got to bed, all we wanted to do was sleep. I did grow frustrated when she seemed to stop craving sex at all. She would promise we would do it another day, but it never materialised. Now she’s been prescribed testosterone it’s a helpful indication that the menopausal woman you’re living with – who can fly off the handle at the drop of the hat – still likes you.
Before, our sex life was quite vanilla – often missionary. But within a week of starting the testosterone, she was wanting it all the time. It was like I had married a new woman. One issue is that we crave it at different times of the day. In the evening, she’s often asking, “Do you fancy a shag?” I am normally knackered and reply, “In the morning, I promise!” She needs a slower rhythm to help her reach completion, and sometimes I am too tired to do the whole routine, whereas I often orgasm from oral sex.
It helps that Antonia is more open and imaginative nowadays. On a recent holiday to Italy, we carried out a little experiment: I watched porn to get me going, which meant we both orgasmed during penetrative sex. It helped that I had already reached a certain level of arousal that I could carry on from.
Although our intimate life has experienced this recent revival, I wouldn’t say we bicker any less, there is just more of the good stuff too.
Names have been changed
